Was Jesus a zombie?

He dies and comes back from the dead. Was Jesus a zombie?

Let's consider the evidence:

Died and came back to life --- Zombie +1
Appeared to Mary Magdalene (and didn't attack) --- Zombie -1
Broke into a room of fearful men --- Zombie +1
Those men were overjoyed to see him --- Zombie -1
Entered another room even though doors were locked --- Zombie +1
Entered and exited without doing damage --- Zombie -1
Continued to carry wounds from his execution --- Zombie +1
Let Thomas touch them (at least, was willing to) --- Zombie -1
John 20 summary: Zombie = 0

Carried on a conversation with the disciples --- Zombie -1
Advised in the complex process of catching fish --- Zombie -1
Made Peter jump out of the boat and into the water --- Zombie +1
Peter was happy, not terrified --- Zombie -2
Jesus fed his disciples breakfast --- Zombie +1
The breakfast was brainfood (fish) not brains (brains) --- Zombie -2
Gently reinstates Peter --- Zombie -1
Sparked a rumor that Juan would never die --- Zombie +1
John 21 summary: Zombie = -4

From John's Gospel, we'd have to lean toward Jesus not being a Zombie.

Although there are accounts that he endorses eating flesh and drinking blood, it appears that it's his flesh and blood he wants us to experience, not the flesh and blood of our victims. And, although his followers have been know to eat brains (see the book by Mark Noll), he appears to do nothing of the sort. And, as if this wasn't enough, his apocalypse is much easier to plan for (although the Wal-Mart strategy won't work for it either).

No, his resurrection is something different, something unique, something worth understanding, something worth celebrating.

4 comments:

  1. Any idea what the other Gospels have to say about Zombie Jesus?

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  2. Who said there were truths that couldn't be quantified?

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  3. Sam: That deserves further exploration. Great question.

    Though the Gospels were written independently, they deserve to be read together (in stereo, so to speak). John might not claim that Jesus was a zombie, but the evidence from the Synoptics may indicate that he was.

    Further research is needed.

    CheezeWhiz: God loves a sarcastic theologian!

    Art: I have yet to find a truth that I couldn't mangle into meaningless quantification. Thank you Stats class!

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